Understanding Men a Bit Better
men don’t hate talking! they just hate talking about matters where feelings interfere with an argument’s potential to be solved.
but…many men love sharing their thoughts about work, favorite hobbies, sports, adventures, projects, upcoming trips and goals. and believe it or not, even their feelings!
where men tend to get stuck is when this “feeling thing” becomes the dominant component of the conversation. men have often said that discussing feelings can be a good thing or at least not a bad thing- particularly when it involves important major life changes and challenges such as illness, loss of a loved one, work relocation, parenting issues, a major life disappointment, etc.
men often struggle when conversations are chronically emotionally laden. because men tend toward a more problem-solving mindset, it can feel debilitating to men to discuss strong feelings as they are not subject to being solved. they are there to understand, to respect and perhaps to respond to by providing a quiet comfort.
on the surface this can seem surperficial to women but it is in part just a reality for many men who are actually not superficial at all. in fact, often men say they feel incredibly frustrated for their partner’s pain because they can’t do anything to make it better. they want desperately to help unaware that often listening itself is the best intervention they can provide.
but still, men often want to see things “fixed” and when emotionally baked problems have an ongoing unsolvable flair this can be enough to make some men withdraw or choose silence.
men tend to do better when conversations are streamlined- meaning there is a clear understanding about what will be discussed. in addition, men do better when they are not forced into a long period of waiting, listening and sitting without any feedback wanted. this can be tricky as something has to give.
i always recommend that couples try to find that sweet spot where they try to stretch their comfort zone without moving too far away from their natural inclinations.
