How to Love Lighter
love is written about, spoken about and filmed about more than almost any other topic. so what’s left to be said?
well, despite how drawn to the idea of love we are, there is something about it that still seems so fleeting to many of us.
we enjoy reading, watching, discussing and sharing love stories and fantasizing about the kind of love that would look & feel different than the kind visible in our circles- and perhaps even within our own relationship.
but what is it that creates a unique kind of love?
according to bryon remo, m.ed., lmft, the idea of love has run into a time period where it has become defined in a seemingly infinite number of ways. from the nostalgic definitions of yesteryear to the practicality of loving just for this moment, love has become a concept that has lost some of its footing through the years.
what exactly does that mean?
according to the merriam webster dictionary, love has a multitude of definitions. from strong affection for another to warm attachment, to sexual embrace to a person’s adoration of god, there are plenty of variations to choose from.
but this means that we are in the uncanny position of making sense of what it means to love, be in love and maintain love.
loving someone doesn’t need to be this complicated. we care about someone. we invest time with them. we find ourselves having intimate feelings for them and boom!! we’re in love, right??wrong! well mostly wrong.
of course your feelings are real and valid and even filled with love. but why then do those feelings seem to dissipate so quickly? why do the same tired concerns continue to crop up once the novelty wears off?
remo notes that couples seem to give all their best energy, attention, listening and thoughtfulness in the early days. and then…life gets in the way. couples begin to see themselves as permanent fixtures in each other’s lives and no longer feel a need to put in the same effort and energy that drew them together in the first place.
this is disheartening because couples need to maintain good emotional relatedness especially during those unpredictable & difficult stretches of life (child birth, death, job loss/transition, a move, etc.). but if we don’t continue to cultivate closeness then those times feel far more challenging than they would under better relationship conditions.
when couples learn how to “love lighter” they recognize that their arguments can be less intense and more capable of helping their relationship.
in couples relationship coaching, remo teaches partners how they can better appreciate their arguments by understanding them differently. he teaches couples to remove the emotional reactiveness to their issues and try and study them to make sense of their importance. from here couples are better positioned to not only soften to one another but also to learn to let go and break some of the ugly patterns that are interfering with their closeness.
loving lighter is a concept that allows couples the freedom to argue but in a way that is different than in the past. it is not about choosing peace over conflict- it’s about peacefully engaging in conflict. it’s about learning how to hear each other’s words without trying to win arguments but rather to deeply understand our partner. and it’s about trying to move the needle of closeness in our relationship one respectful argument at a time.
it is also important to mix in some f.u.n. from time to time. many couples forget to hang onto their youthful spirit and yet it is often our ability to cling to the lighter moments that helps us to ride out the challenging times. we do not always need to have power talks to deepen our relationship. sometimes the best thing we can do is move away from talking so much and getting busy bonding in other ways.
